BALLAD OF A SPYCATCHER

Now listen children while I sing this ballad I’ve just made
About a Peter Wright, not Rabbit, a spycatcher by trade
I’ll sing of how he joined a special gang called MI5
Who guard the nation’s secrets so that liberty may thrive
And of how young Peter quick to learn soon got to know the ropes
The trick of picking locks, the art of opening envelopes
And of how the senior officers began their working day
By trying to solve the crossword in The Times, needless to say

But of all the strange things I’ll relate the strangest thing to me
Is that this doggerel I’m singing contravenes the rule of three
For Nanny, God bless Nanny, thinks it wouldn’t do for you
To know about the naughty things that grown-up people do

S.F. – Special Facility – was Peter’s favourite toy
And night and day he played with it like any little boy
For tapping phones and bugging rooms were things he loved the best
Five years, says Wright, we bugged and burgled at the state’s behest
They bugged the Russian Embassy which wasn’t very chic
So they bugged the French, the Chinese, the Egyptian and the Greek
They bugged Kruschev’s room in Claridges, and listened in with care
While Cape(?) decided on his tie and how to part his hair

They bugged colonial conferences then they turned their minds
To keeping tabs on militants and lefties of all kinds
Trade Unionists and students were the targets of their wiles
They burgled C.P. members’ homes and stole the party’s files
And what did it add up to, and what did it avail
All this bugging and burgling and intercepting mail
Did it save us from the Russian’s ? Did it help to keep us free ?
Did it keep this country green and pleasant ? Did it buggery !

The trouble was, says Wright, that we often were misled
And the Russians always seemed to be a step or two ahead
For whatever MI5 knew the Russians knew it too
And when we knew they knew they knew we knew they knew we knew
Hankovsky, was he theirs or ours ? A triumph or a con ?
So back and forth and round and round the lazy dance went on
While Peter set up Operation Sunshine……..
Dewar and Mole were …… and saw them all misfire

I fear the worst, says Peter, and this I can’t forgive
For years this Secret Service has been leaking like a sieve
The evidence is growing there is someone placed on high
Who is tipping off the Russians – a traitor and a spy
Is it Mitchell ? Is it Hollis ? The outfits own D.G.
Incredible, I hear you say, but Wright could not agree
His finger points to Hollis, I’ll unmask him if I can
He’s ex-public school and Oxford and I’ve never liked the man

And now this tale grows farcical, for should we laugh or cry ?
For the CIA……..names Wilson as a spy
And Cecil King in ’68 decides to lead a coup
Against the Wilson Government – so strange it must be true
And certain shady businessmen ask Peter for the gen
To do the dirt on Wilson, keep him out of Number 10
And a group of senior officers tell Wright of their intent
To save us from the clutches of a Labour Government